Angry and Bitter

Grief is funny. Some days you feel like you're going to be ok and on others you feel like the world is crashing around you. Today it's crashing and I can barely breathe. I get it, I get that God is bigger than me, I get that David's death has a purpose, I get it. But I what I don't get is how to move beyond this place of anger and bitterness. I am an angry woman. I am angry at God. I am angry that this had to happen to me. How do I get rid of this anger? It robs me of being the mother, wife, and woman I want to be. I want to be only loving and Christ-like with my family. I don't like yelling and losing my patience, it reminds me too much of my childhood and my girls deserve far better than that. Yes, one thing has changed, I apologize for losing my temper unlike my parental model but that's not good enough. I do not want to become him, I can't, and I won't. I don't remember being this angry before David's death. Please pray that God takes away my anger and bitterness. I don't want to be angry and bitter. I see the consequences that every time I talk to him. I see the loneliness that is there because of that bitterness and anger. I don't want it. Then I start to think where does this anger and bitterness come from? Is it a place of pride? Is the root of the anger based on prideful feelings? That somehow I should be bypassed from all of the hurt of the world. I am searching, I am not who I should be, where did I go? I didn't start off this way. I was so kind and loving. What happened to me? I swore I would never yell at my children but I do it everyday. I get so angry at them for everything. How does this happen?

On a brighter side, today I am also thankful, I am so thankful for God's Little Princess 1 and God's Little Princess 2. I never ever thought that I could love my children as much as I love my girls. So, how can a mom who loves her girls so much be so harsh?

Not Me, Monday!!!!

It is that time of the week again. I'm really starting to look forward to Mondays. It has to be short and sweet but something is better than nothing. The kudos for this great idea goes to MckMamma over at her blog, My Charming Kids. So here goes...

I did not eat a large quantity of the girls Halloween candy. A mom who is trying to lose weight would never eat chocolate like she was 10 again. No, she wouldn't and neither would I.

I am not procastinating right now. I am not choosing to participate in Not Me, Monday, which very few if anyone ever sees, instead of doing my work for school. What kind of teacher does that, not one that I know.

I am not leaving my home at 11:15 tonight with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law to go to Meijers for a gifts for my princesses and niece. Nothing those girls need could be so important that I would stay up past midnight. I am not also getting there early so I can scoop up those kiddy digital cameras before the sale starts at 12:01 tonight. I am not waiting in line for the next half hour to 45 minutes reading a book. Me, doing something crazy like that, NEVER!!!!

I did not play Settlers during my overnight shift when God's Little Princess 2 was really sick. Since my shift was 3 to 7 in the morning, I did not play Settlers for 4 hours in a row. I also did not play with people from Spain and Barcelona. If I had, I would have thought that was so cool. But since I didn't, it's no big deal.

I did not play 2 games of Settlers tonight instead of doing my school work. I also do not have a score of negative 75. If I was a Settlers Nerd, I would care that my score was that low. But since I'm not, it's all good!

Have a great night!

On a side note, please check out a blog called Bring the Rain. The blogger there is Angie Smith and she is starting something called 7X7 prayers. Parents pray for their kids 7 times a day 7 days a week. I'm hoping to start this soon and would encourage everyone to do the same for your kiddos, even if you are still waiting for your precious bundle of joy. He or she is coming so start bathing that precious love in prayer now.

God Bless and Praying for Kids with Undivided Hearts,
Carly

Not Me Monday!

It's is officially Not Me Monday! Every Monday I will post the things that I promise I would have NOT done sometime over the last week. This was started by a blogger name MckMamma over at her blog called My Charming Kids. Every week I laugh at all the things women are NOT doing. Please check it out if you need a good laugh. So here goes...



I did not... sleep until 9:30 several mornings last week becuase the girls went to bed so late and didn't wake up until then. Nope, not me, because I being the fabo housewife I am got up at 8:30 anyways and cleaned the house. Yup, that's exactly what I did.



I did not.. let the girls watch more than 1 movie each night while HOTTIE was gone on business. A good mother keeps the routine and knows that watching more than 1 movie a night is not good for her children so I would NEVER do that.



I did not... enjoy watching HGTV, The Food Network, and all of my TV shows while HOTTIE was out of town. A good wife never enjoys the fact that she can watch whatever she wants on T.V. at her husband's expense.



I did not... play Settlers online every night(after the princesses went to bed, naturally) for hours on end while HOTTIE was gone and even stayed up until 2:00 one night. Nope, not me, that would be stupid because I have to go to work the next day. Who cares about an online game? Who cares that I have a negative score despite all that playing? Nope, not me either!



(I saved the best for last)



I did not... under any circumstance take my princesses to McDonald's for dinner. McDonald's isn't good for kids, actually it's full of fat and preservatives! A mommy who's trying to provide organic and healthier food choices for her family would never go there and neither would I. Much less let her kiddos get happy meals with chocolate milk. WHAT???? What kind of mom does that??? Ohhhh, but it gets even worse, that mommy would never, ever get a Big Mac meal and eat every bite. NEVER!!!!!!!! That mommy would never let the same amount of calories that she should be eating over two days be taken up in one meal. Nope, not me either.



I did not... let my princesses play in the playland after eating above mentioned meal. Nope, not me, I know how many disgusting germs linger in those places. What kind of mom does that? NOT ME!



Have a great night!

Carly

YAHOO!!!

I did it!! I changed my layout all by myself, well with a little bit of help. I was so envious of everyone's super cute blog layouts that I called on the help of some fellow bloggers. My fabo sister-in-law said that the link for the website she and our friend use would be on the bottom of our friend's blog. I first looked on our friend's site but couldn't find it. Then I looked at my sister-in-law's blog and today must have been my lucky day because I found the link. Then, walla, I have a super cute boy like blog layout. Please note that there are blues, blacks, and other boy like colors in honor of my precious boy. Also please note that it took everything in me not to get the even cuter pink girly layouts. There were so many cute ones and since my favorite color is pink I naturally gravitate towards pink. But, I refrained because my boy deserves boy colors and since I live in the world of pink(which I am so blessed to be a part of), the few times I get to use blue I jump on it.

In addition, I have added a playlist to my blog. Wow, when I go public, I come out with pizazz, huh?? The playlist has several songs that I feel describe what I'm feeling right now. Welcome by Shaun Groves is one of my very favorite songs. So, I was very disappointed to only get a small portion of the song but I'll take what I can get. The recording is pretty crappy too but it's all good. It does get the point across. I love how the song talks about how we all fill our hearts with clutter and messes that are still to be discovered. Isn't that so true? We do fill our hearts with all of the crap from our lives and the many attempts we make to find out what is the meaning for it all. Listen to all of the songs, they each have a story.

The last song is the most important though. It's called Taken by Plumb. This is the song we played at David's memorial. The song has a story that goes with it. I'm not sure how many people remember the ice storm of 2003 but for HOTTIE and I it is unforgettable. David passed away on a Monday Night(Opening Day for those Tiger fans out there). I was in the hospital for the next four days or maybe five days. Regardless on Friday, on the way home from the hospital, we were listening to my Plumb CD. We were about 2 minutes from home when Taken started playing. I had heard this song many times but it never phased me until that ride home. 15 seconds or so into the song, I start crying uncontrollably and made HOTTIE drive around good ol'Lakeville for the next ten minutes so I can hear the song another 10 times(which for those of you who know Lakeville know it's like two blocks wide and three blocks across). The song reminded me that no matter how sad or angry we were, David was never too far from our hearts. I loved that and still do. I love knowing that even when the world forgets, I don't. My boy is still my boy. I do have a son but he's in a place I can't physically touch. Regardless, the song ministered to me at a time when I so desperately needed it. Over the next days, months, and year, I listened to the song constantly. So much that, to this day the song won't play. Every song on that CD works, except that song. The amazing thing was that when the song stopped working, I felt that God was telling me that I didn't need the song anymore. That he was going to begin the healing process, and he did. It's been a bumpy road but I've come a long way.

More about the ice storm of 2003 to come. It's getting late and God's Little Princess 1 and God's Little Princess 2 will be up in 6 short hours so I need to go to sleep.

Public

I think now is the time. It's time to go public. I am now beginning to tell people about my blog. I haven't really said anything about it to anyone but I'm feeling confident enough now to say it's time to go public . I feel different now. I'll talk more about that in a later post. On a side note, I noticed that in some previous entries I typed I've omitted some words. The people pleasing part of me says that everyone will think that I'm dumb and that people will think badly of me because I made a mistake. But you know what, that is the enemy's lies and I'm going to leave my previous entries just as they are. I am not perfect. God made me with these imperfections and he loves me so it doesn't matter what other people think. I'm changing, fellow bloggers, slowly but still changing so I'll take it. I would have never left the entries like that in the past. So out with the old and in with the new. On another side note, I will be participating in Not me Mondays. Please look up a blog called My Charming Kids to find out more information about this. I am totally addicted. Be sure to check it my blog Monday Night. There are many things that I have not, no not me, done this week. HOTTIE was out of town and I had to fend for myself. God's Little Princess 1 and God's Little Princess 2 have had ALOT of fun while their daddy was gone but you will find out all about the things we DID NOT do this week on Monday.

The Find

Last night I stumbled upon a blog called Now I lay me down to sleep. The following is an excerpt from their home page:

"But there is another aspect of pregnancy and birth. There is an unexpected place in this journey where some families may find themselves. When a baby dies, a world is turned upside down. There is confusion, sadness, fear, and uncertainty that cannot be explained. There is sorrow where there should have been joy. During this time, it might be impossible for families to know what they might need in order to heal in the future.This is the place where the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation gently provides a helping hand and a healing heart. For families overcome by grief and pain, the idea of photographing their baby may not immediately occur to them. Offering gentle and beautiful photography services in a compassionate and sensitive manner is the heart of this organization. The soft, gentle heirloom photographs of these beautiful babies are an important part of the healing process. They allow families to honor and cherish their babies, and share the spirits of their lives."

The photography they provide is breathtaking. I wish I had the opportunity to do this with David. I would love to work with this organization. Please check out the site. It is truly awesome.

Procrastination

I'm sitting here tonight desperately trying to find other things to do, a.k.a watch T.V., read blogs, eat ice cream, in order to not do my school work. With the approach of another school right around the corner, I thought I would take a moment to write in a post before I get too busy. My Pastor's wife suggested I read a book called The Shack. It's a great book especially for those of you who have experienced the loss of someone very close to you. One point the author brought up is that good and evil is based on our schemas and our perspectives. We view things as inherently evil if they have a negative effect on us and good if we benefit from it in some way. I find this very interesting as it shows how selfish we are as humans and how we feel that life is all about us. More interestingly that I'm a selfish person. Joyce Meyer said the other day that lack of self esteem is largely in part to pride. We are so prideful of our own achievements that we never realize how God was always the catalyst for it. It is so interesting to me that what we may see as evil, God sees as good. It is so hard to remember that he sees the whole picture not just things from my point of view. Interesting huh? I better get to work because it's already 11:30 and I have NOTHING done. Welcome back to the grind, Carly!

Crushed By A Wave

Today at work, we were doing a team building activity. We had to tell the group several different things about ourselves. First, we stated our names and then told our favorite childhood toy, which as a side note is my Cabbage Patch Kid Doll and my Easy Bake Oven. We then stated something someone might not know about us. The thing I shared is that I would like a tattoo. After many gasps of surprise, I shared that I want to get three hearts together. One for each one of my children and then stated that yes I have two girls but I also have a boy who passed away, which for some strange reason made me cry. So here I am in front of 30 odd people and my new principal crying. As I regain my composure, I state that David would be attending kindergarten this fall. I then go on with the rest of my spiel. But, I didn't realize that David's going to Kindergarten this year would that big of a deal. It's funny how grief is like a wave. Sometimes you can handle it and still keep upright but at other times it knocks you off your feet a little. Yesterday was like that and unfortunately I was crushed by the wave in front of 30 people. In addition, several of my very close to me coworkers also have their boys going into Kindergarten this year. I tend to ignore the fact that their boys are really only a few months older than our David but right now it hard to ignore. Part of me is so sad that David won't be getting his cool Spiderman or Cars backpack or his Scooby Doo lunch box. That on that first day, I will be teaching and my job sharing partner will be leaving to participate in one of the biggest days of her life as a mom, the first day of school for her child. Does this make me mad at them? No, absolutely not. Do I not want them to talk about it around me? No and I certainly hope that they wouldn't feel that way either. I am so happy that this big has finally arrived for them but I am still sad that I'm missing this day with David.

(Note: I often randomly switch subjects so please just follow along, it will all come together soon)

It's so funny, the other day HOTTIE(my awesome husband) and I went to a concert to celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary. YAHOO!!! Regardless, we went to see a band called Switchfoot. As I watch the band, I am reminded of a thought I had about David as I was pregnant with him. I wished that David would be a singer in a Christian band and I imagined that my David would look just like the lead singer of the band Switchfoot. It's funny now because the lead singer is blond and David looked just like HOTTIE, like his identical twin to be exact, with dark hair and dark skin. So, every time I see the Switchfoot guy I think of David. On another side note, as they are playing, I'm praying, please don't play Company Car, I can't handle it today, please don't play Company Car. I say this only because I want to share with you an amazing event that occurred while I was pregnant with David. One night I was resting in bed and HOTTIE came upstairs. As I was laying there, HOTTIE started singing Company Car to David in my womb. It was awesome because David instantly reacted to it. It was like he was dancing around in my belly cheering his Daddy on. You could see a hand move here and an elbow move there. In retrospect, it would be the only interaction we would have as a family. It was truly an amazing thing to see that interaction between the two most important boys in my life. It is something I will never forget and I treasure the God gave us that moment with our little boy. It was truly a blessing.

How do these two very separate stories come together? I guess they really don't but it's all good. The fact is I miss my son all the time but little things remind me of how much. I do know that everything works for my good and that the plan God has for me is far better than the one I have for myself. Look at what God has brought me since then, my two beautiful girls. It is equally devastating to think I would have missed out on the opportunity to be their mom if David had survived.

David's Gift Foundation

As I said before, I would really like to make some "good" of David's life. I have often contemplated creating a foundation in David's honor and have never taken the time to do so since it seems so hard. One thing I would like the foundation to do is to give disposable cameras to local hospitals for grieving families. I only have 5 pictures of my son, which is devastating. Only 1 of them is a good picture of him, a.k.a where you can actually see him rather than a baby covered in a blanket. We never expected to lose David that night so we weren't prepared and never thought to ask someone to bring a camera. Thankfully, my mother-in-law and father-in-law were in a state of mind in which they thought to bring it. I have four pictures from their camera (back in the olden days of non-digital cameras) and a Polaroid picture that a nurse was kind enough to take for us. Grieving parents should have the opportunity to take tons of pictures of their babies because that is all they will ever have. I would like to provide that opportunity for them. Nurses would give the camera to parents or they can take pictures of the baby themselves. All mommies should have the ability to remember what her baby looked like. Please pray that God helps me make this possible.

David's Gift

Back to the original reason, I wanted to post, why is the blog called David's Gift? Even though my son was not with me as long as I liked, I think he gave me a gift that is more precious than any gift I have ever gotten, excluding Jesus' salvation, my husband(God's gift too), and my two precious girls(God's gifts also, notice the pattern). Regardless, I think David gave me the gift of growth. I think that God know that I couldn't do the things he needed me to do without the growth season I am encountering. Is it painful? Extremely. But I need to sow the seeds so I can reap the harvest.

Hurt

At times, I still am taken aback by the fact that David died. I often feel that the death of a child happens to other people and that it could have never happened to us and then I am painfully reminded of the fact that it did happen to us. I feel sometimes that I tuck it away as I go about my daily life, that I merely "forget" him. But am I tucking it away or is it the coping mechanism that God gives me so get out of bed everyday? Many people feel that we should just get over it but those same people have never dealt with losing a child. That angers me so much. I get mad that they have forgotten my child when I am reminded regularly that my boy is not with us. And please do not think that I am not thankful for what I have. I am one of the most blessed women you will ever meet, I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful girls. I am able to work part time at a job I absolutely love and feel that it is my ministry. Some mission fields are in far off countries but mine is 5 minutes away. Does it get any better than that? But somehow something is missing. I feel that our family is not complete. We're missing pieces of our puzzle and I can't find them. Is the missing piece another child to add our family( which would be pretty hard since my husband had surgery to ensure that didn't happen) or is the missing piece in my heart? I don't wish that God would change things, I understand now that this was a part of his plan for us no matter how heart breaking. I trust him enough to know that he used David for things far beyond my understanding. I get that. I do understand that words can curse but I still have questions. When will my joy return? When will I laugh again like I used to? When will I be my postive and happy-go-lucky self again? The Lord is so gracious becuase as I am typing these words, He is softly whispering, when you ask for them. So,
Lord,
I want my joy back, I want to laugh, and I want to be the positive person I used to be. I am sick of the enemy stealing these things from me and tonight I am taking them back PERMENTENTLY. I am a broken vessel Lord who needs your repair, please mend me back together again. In Jesus Name, AMEN!

David's Story

Our beautiful son, David, was born on March 31, 2003. Although he was due on June 10th, he was born early due to some complications. After he was born, he survived for nearly an hour. During that hour, the doctors worked so hard to keep him alive. But despite their efforts, he was far to sick to survive. That night I feel that part of me died with David and I'm struggling now to regain the "me" I used to be. As my beautiful girls are ready to move on with their day, I want to leave with saying that even 5 years later, the pain cuts like a knife and I don't think it ever goes away. God is just so gracious that he equips us with tools to help us get through. At first, we survive minute to minute, then day to day, then month to month, and then finally year to year.

Why Blog?

I always wished that I could do more to make "good" of David's Death and I'm hoping this might be the way I do it. I have so much going through my head that I don't know where to begin or how to start. The girl I used to be, or may I say, struggling not to be feels that letting others see what I feel is stupid and that I am not nearly as great of a writer as all of my fellow bloggers. But I feel that I need to do this in fear and leap forward.