Procrastination

I'm sitting here tonight desperately trying to find other things to do, a.k.a watch T.V., read blogs, eat ice cream, in order to not do my school work. With the approach of another school right around the corner, I thought I would take a moment to write in a post before I get too busy. My Pastor's wife suggested I read a book called The Shack. It's a great book especially for those of you who have experienced the loss of someone very close to you. One point the author brought up is that good and evil is based on our schemas and our perspectives. We view things as inherently evil if they have a negative effect on us and good if we benefit from it in some way. I find this very interesting as it shows how selfish we are as humans and how we feel that life is all about us. More interestingly that I'm a selfish person. Joyce Meyer said the other day that lack of self esteem is largely in part to pride. We are so prideful of our own achievements that we never realize how God was always the catalyst for it. It is so interesting to me that what we may see as evil, God sees as good. It is so hard to remember that he sees the whole picture not just things from my point of view. Interesting huh? I better get to work because it's already 11:30 and I have NOTHING done. Welcome back to the grind, Carly!

Crushed By A Wave

Today at work, we were doing a team building activity. We had to tell the group several different things about ourselves. First, we stated our names and then told our favorite childhood toy, which as a side note is my Cabbage Patch Kid Doll and my Easy Bake Oven. We then stated something someone might not know about us. The thing I shared is that I would like a tattoo. After many gasps of surprise, I shared that I want to get three hearts together. One for each one of my children and then stated that yes I have two girls but I also have a boy who passed away, which for some strange reason made me cry. So here I am in front of 30 odd people and my new principal crying. As I regain my composure, I state that David would be attending kindergarten this fall. I then go on with the rest of my spiel. But, I didn't realize that David's going to Kindergarten this year would that big of a deal. It's funny how grief is like a wave. Sometimes you can handle it and still keep upright but at other times it knocks you off your feet a little. Yesterday was like that and unfortunately I was crushed by the wave in front of 30 people. In addition, several of my very close to me coworkers also have their boys going into Kindergarten this year. I tend to ignore the fact that their boys are really only a few months older than our David but right now it hard to ignore. Part of me is so sad that David won't be getting his cool Spiderman or Cars backpack or his Scooby Doo lunch box. That on that first day, I will be teaching and my job sharing partner will be leaving to participate in one of the biggest days of her life as a mom, the first day of school for her child. Does this make me mad at them? No, absolutely not. Do I not want them to talk about it around me? No and I certainly hope that they wouldn't feel that way either. I am so happy that this big has finally arrived for them but I am still sad that I'm missing this day with David.

(Note: I often randomly switch subjects so please just follow along, it will all come together soon)

It's so funny, the other day HOTTIE(my awesome husband) and I went to a concert to celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary. YAHOO!!! Regardless, we went to see a band called Switchfoot. As I watch the band, I am reminded of a thought I had about David as I was pregnant with him. I wished that David would be a singer in a Christian band and I imagined that my David would look just like the lead singer of the band Switchfoot. It's funny now because the lead singer is blond and David looked just like HOTTIE, like his identical twin to be exact, with dark hair and dark skin. So, every time I see the Switchfoot guy I think of David. On another side note, as they are playing, I'm praying, please don't play Company Car, I can't handle it today, please don't play Company Car. I say this only because I want to share with you an amazing event that occurred while I was pregnant with David. One night I was resting in bed and HOTTIE came upstairs. As I was laying there, HOTTIE started singing Company Car to David in my womb. It was awesome because David instantly reacted to it. It was like he was dancing around in my belly cheering his Daddy on. You could see a hand move here and an elbow move there. In retrospect, it would be the only interaction we would have as a family. It was truly an amazing thing to see that interaction between the two most important boys in my life. It is something I will never forget and I treasure the God gave us that moment with our little boy. It was truly a blessing.

How do these two very separate stories come together? I guess they really don't but it's all good. The fact is I miss my son all the time but little things remind me of how much. I do know that everything works for my good and that the plan God has for me is far better than the one I have for myself. Look at what God has brought me since then, my two beautiful girls. It is equally devastating to think I would have missed out on the opportunity to be their mom if David had survived.

David's Gift Foundation

As I said before, I would really like to make some "good" of David's life. I have often contemplated creating a foundation in David's honor and have never taken the time to do so since it seems so hard. One thing I would like the foundation to do is to give disposable cameras to local hospitals for grieving families. I only have 5 pictures of my son, which is devastating. Only 1 of them is a good picture of him, a.k.a where you can actually see him rather than a baby covered in a blanket. We never expected to lose David that night so we weren't prepared and never thought to ask someone to bring a camera. Thankfully, my mother-in-law and father-in-law were in a state of mind in which they thought to bring it. I have four pictures from their camera (back in the olden days of non-digital cameras) and a Polaroid picture that a nurse was kind enough to take for us. Grieving parents should have the opportunity to take tons of pictures of their babies because that is all they will ever have. I would like to provide that opportunity for them. Nurses would give the camera to parents or they can take pictures of the baby themselves. All mommies should have the ability to remember what her baby looked like. Please pray that God helps me make this possible.