Christmas Tree Ramblings

I need a break from my Christmas tree putting away process. So, I decided what I needed was a cup of hot tea and a quick post on my blog. Just the necessities of life ladies, just the necessities. Well, excluding the hour I spent reading blogs before I began putting the Christmas tree away as I had to check on Baby Stellan over at My Charming Kids and the latest ramblings of Big Mamma over at her blog.

Side note- Funny Story. Tonight I was cracking up at the latest entry over at Big Mamma's blog. I love to read her blog. Really I think I was meant to be a southern lady, I just grew up in the wrong state. So, I get my southern fix from Big Mamma. Regardless, she highlighted the best parts of her past year. As previously stated, I was laughing hysterically. So HOTTIE asks, "What are you laughing about over there?". My response is "I'm reading a post from one of my bloggy friends, Big Mamma." HOTTIE then turns around as he's playing Star Wars on his Playstation 3 and says, "Does she know she's your friend?". In which I reply, "No, but she's still my friend." You may not find that funny, but I do.

Back on track, this is supposed to be a quick post. It's all good, even though it's a half an hour later. I digress.

I am reading a great book called Conflict Free Living by Joyce Meyer. I got it from my mother-in-law for my birthday. In all honesty, at first I was kinda perturbed and insulted that she bought the book for me. My flesh instantly says, "Why does she think that you need a book like that? She must think you're a horrible mom and wife." But after God gently and then not so gently(due to my lack of listening) reminded me, that maybe THAT attitude is my whole problem. My pride is getting the best of me(I hope that you're noticing the pattern that God is revealing to me, i.e. my last blog entry).

My pride is the stem of all of this. It is the underlying root of my problems with my confidence. God is revealing to me that my confidence comes from him, not from me. I don't need to be confident in myself, I need to be confident in the fact that God is working through me. That he not only counted every hair on my head but gave me my personality for a reason. That I am fearfully and wonderfully made by him. I am no mistake and my personality isn't a mistake either. I need to be confident in the fact that he is GOD and HE doesn't make mistakes. I am perfect in his eyes. I am the apple of his eye. What the world says about me and to me doesn't matter. HE matters and that's all.

Wow, breathe that in. Isn't that amazing? That God not only thinks that about me but he thinks that about us all.

It's time for my life to change, ladies. I can't let my insecurities be met by others. Who cares if someone thinks I'm a lousy mom(which I totally rebuke by the way)? I don't need their approval anymore. I have to do what GOD wants me to do. I need to be confident in the fact that if I need to change he'll let me know and that he'll help me though.

So as 2008 ends, so does the strife in my life. Strife steals joy and I have had too much of that stolen from me already. 2009 is the time to relax, enjoy my family, and laugh. My new saying for 2009:

Laugh, live, love. OFTEN.

So much for a quick post.

Read Joyce Meyers book, it's a great one. Maybe you are just like me and you have some strife in your life that you didn't know about either.

If you need to laugh, check out Big Mamma's blog. She gives me a daily dose.

God Bless,
Carly

Angry and Bitter

Grief is funny. Some days you feel like you're going to be ok and on others you feel like the world is crashing around you. Today it's crashing and I can barely breathe. I get it, I get that God is bigger than me, I get that David's death has a purpose, I get it. But I what I don't get is how to move beyond this place of anger and bitterness. I am an angry woman. I am angry at God. I am angry that this had to happen to me. How do I get rid of this anger? It robs me of being the mother, wife, and woman I want to be. I want to be only loving and Christ-like with my family. I don't like yelling and losing my patience, it reminds me too much of my childhood and my girls deserve far better than that. Yes, one thing has changed, I apologize for losing my temper unlike my parental model but that's not good enough. I do not want to become him, I can't, and I won't. I don't remember being this angry before David's death. Please pray that God takes away my anger and bitterness. I don't want to be angry and bitter. I see the consequences that every time I talk to him. I see the loneliness that is there because of that bitterness and anger. I don't want it. Then I start to think where does this anger and bitterness come from? Is it a place of pride? Is the root of the anger based on prideful feelings? That somehow I should be bypassed from all of the hurt of the world. I am searching, I am not who I should be, where did I go? I didn't start off this way. I was so kind and loving. What happened to me? I swore I would never yell at my children but I do it everyday. I get so angry at them for everything. How does this happen?

On a brighter side, today I am also thankful, I am so thankful for God's Little Princess 1 and God's Little Princess 2. I never ever thought that I could love my children as much as I love my girls. So, how can a mom who loves her girls so much be so harsh?

Not Me, Monday!!!!

It is that time of the week again. I'm really starting to look forward to Mondays. It has to be short and sweet but something is better than nothing. The kudos for this great idea goes to MckMamma over at her blog, My Charming Kids. So here goes...

I did not eat a large quantity of the girls Halloween candy. A mom who is trying to lose weight would never eat chocolate like she was 10 again. No, she wouldn't and neither would I.

I am not procastinating right now. I am not choosing to participate in Not Me, Monday, which very few if anyone ever sees, instead of doing my work for school. What kind of teacher does that, not one that I know.

I am not leaving my home at 11:15 tonight with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law to go to Meijers for a gifts for my princesses and niece. Nothing those girls need could be so important that I would stay up past midnight. I am not also getting there early so I can scoop up those kiddy digital cameras before the sale starts at 12:01 tonight. I am not waiting in line for the next half hour to 45 minutes reading a book. Me, doing something crazy like that, NEVER!!!!

I did not play Settlers during my overnight shift when God's Little Princess 2 was really sick. Since my shift was 3 to 7 in the morning, I did not play Settlers for 4 hours in a row. I also did not play with people from Spain and Barcelona. If I had, I would have thought that was so cool. But since I didn't, it's no big deal.

I did not play 2 games of Settlers tonight instead of doing my school work. I also do not have a score of negative 75. If I was a Settlers Nerd, I would care that my score was that low. But since I'm not, it's all good!

Have a great night!

On a side note, please check out a blog called Bring the Rain. The blogger there is Angie Smith and she is starting something called 7X7 prayers. Parents pray for their kids 7 times a day 7 days a week. I'm hoping to start this soon and would encourage everyone to do the same for your kiddos, even if you are still waiting for your precious bundle of joy. He or she is coming so start bathing that precious love in prayer now.

God Bless and Praying for Kids with Undivided Hearts,
Carly

Not Me Monday!

It's is officially Not Me Monday! Every Monday I will post the things that I promise I would have NOT done sometime over the last week. This was started by a blogger name MckMamma over at her blog called My Charming Kids. Every week I laugh at all the things women are NOT doing. Please check it out if you need a good laugh. So here goes...



I did not... sleep until 9:30 several mornings last week becuase the girls went to bed so late and didn't wake up until then. Nope, not me, because I being the fabo housewife I am got up at 8:30 anyways and cleaned the house. Yup, that's exactly what I did.



I did not.. let the girls watch more than 1 movie each night while HOTTIE was gone on business. A good mother keeps the routine and knows that watching more than 1 movie a night is not good for her children so I would NEVER do that.



I did not... enjoy watching HGTV, The Food Network, and all of my TV shows while HOTTIE was out of town. A good wife never enjoys the fact that she can watch whatever she wants on T.V. at her husband's expense.



I did not... play Settlers online every night(after the princesses went to bed, naturally) for hours on end while HOTTIE was gone and even stayed up until 2:00 one night. Nope, not me, that would be stupid because I have to go to work the next day. Who cares about an online game? Who cares that I have a negative score despite all that playing? Nope, not me either!



(I saved the best for last)



I did not... under any circumstance take my princesses to McDonald's for dinner. McDonald's isn't good for kids, actually it's full of fat and preservatives! A mommy who's trying to provide organic and healthier food choices for her family would never go there and neither would I. Much less let her kiddos get happy meals with chocolate milk. WHAT???? What kind of mom does that??? Ohhhh, but it gets even worse, that mommy would never, ever get a Big Mac meal and eat every bite. NEVER!!!!!!!! That mommy would never let the same amount of calories that she should be eating over two days be taken up in one meal. Nope, not me either.



I did not... let my princesses play in the playland after eating above mentioned meal. Nope, not me, I know how many disgusting germs linger in those places. What kind of mom does that? NOT ME!



Have a great night!

Carly

YAHOO!!!

I did it!! I changed my layout all by myself, well with a little bit of help. I was so envious of everyone's super cute blog layouts that I called on the help of some fellow bloggers. My fabo sister-in-law said that the link for the website she and our friend use would be on the bottom of our friend's blog. I first looked on our friend's site but couldn't find it. Then I looked at my sister-in-law's blog and today must have been my lucky day because I found the link. Then, walla, I have a super cute boy like blog layout. Please note that there are blues, blacks, and other boy like colors in honor of my precious boy. Also please note that it took everything in me not to get the even cuter pink girly layouts. There were so many cute ones and since my favorite color is pink I naturally gravitate towards pink. But, I refrained because my boy deserves boy colors and since I live in the world of pink(which I am so blessed to be a part of), the few times I get to use blue I jump on it.

In addition, I have added a playlist to my blog. Wow, when I go public, I come out with pizazz, huh?? The playlist has several songs that I feel describe what I'm feeling right now. Welcome by Shaun Groves is one of my very favorite songs. So, I was very disappointed to only get a small portion of the song but I'll take what I can get. The recording is pretty crappy too but it's all good. It does get the point across. I love how the song talks about how we all fill our hearts with clutter and messes that are still to be discovered. Isn't that so true? We do fill our hearts with all of the crap from our lives and the many attempts we make to find out what is the meaning for it all. Listen to all of the songs, they each have a story.

The last song is the most important though. It's called Taken by Plumb. This is the song we played at David's memorial. The song has a story that goes with it. I'm not sure how many people remember the ice storm of 2003 but for HOTTIE and I it is unforgettable. David passed away on a Monday Night(Opening Day for those Tiger fans out there). I was in the hospital for the next four days or maybe five days. Regardless on Friday, on the way home from the hospital, we were listening to my Plumb CD. We were about 2 minutes from home when Taken started playing. I had heard this song many times but it never phased me until that ride home. 15 seconds or so into the song, I start crying uncontrollably and made HOTTIE drive around good ol'Lakeville for the next ten minutes so I can hear the song another 10 times(which for those of you who know Lakeville know it's like two blocks wide and three blocks across). The song reminded me that no matter how sad or angry we were, David was never too far from our hearts. I loved that and still do. I love knowing that even when the world forgets, I don't. My boy is still my boy. I do have a son but he's in a place I can't physically touch. Regardless, the song ministered to me at a time when I so desperately needed it. Over the next days, months, and year, I listened to the song constantly. So much that, to this day the song won't play. Every song on that CD works, except that song. The amazing thing was that when the song stopped working, I felt that God was telling me that I didn't need the song anymore. That he was going to begin the healing process, and he did. It's been a bumpy road but I've come a long way.

More about the ice storm of 2003 to come. It's getting late and God's Little Princess 1 and God's Little Princess 2 will be up in 6 short hours so I need to go to sleep.

Public

I think now is the time. It's time to go public. I am now beginning to tell people about my blog. I haven't really said anything about it to anyone but I'm feeling confident enough now to say it's time to go public . I feel different now. I'll talk more about that in a later post. On a side note, I noticed that in some previous entries I typed I've omitted some words. The people pleasing part of me says that everyone will think that I'm dumb and that people will think badly of me because I made a mistake. But you know what, that is the enemy's lies and I'm going to leave my previous entries just as they are. I am not perfect. God made me with these imperfections and he loves me so it doesn't matter what other people think. I'm changing, fellow bloggers, slowly but still changing so I'll take it. I would have never left the entries like that in the past. So out with the old and in with the new. On another side note, I will be participating in Not me Mondays. Please look up a blog called My Charming Kids to find out more information about this. I am totally addicted. Be sure to check it my blog Monday Night. There are many things that I have not, no not me, done this week. HOTTIE was out of town and I had to fend for myself. God's Little Princess 1 and God's Little Princess 2 have had ALOT of fun while their daddy was gone but you will find out all about the things we DID NOT do this week on Monday.

The Find

Last night I stumbled upon a blog called Now I lay me down to sleep. The following is an excerpt from their home page:

"But there is another aspect of pregnancy and birth. There is an unexpected place in this journey where some families may find themselves. When a baby dies, a world is turned upside down. There is confusion, sadness, fear, and uncertainty that cannot be explained. There is sorrow where there should have been joy. During this time, it might be impossible for families to know what they might need in order to heal in the future.This is the place where the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation gently provides a helping hand and a healing heart. For families overcome by grief and pain, the idea of photographing their baby may not immediately occur to them. Offering gentle and beautiful photography services in a compassionate and sensitive manner is the heart of this organization. The soft, gentle heirloom photographs of these beautiful babies are an important part of the healing process. They allow families to honor and cherish their babies, and share the spirits of their lives."

The photography they provide is breathtaking. I wish I had the opportunity to do this with David. I would love to work with this organization. Please check out the site. It is truly awesome.