David's Gift

Back to the original reason, I wanted to post, why is the blog called David's Gift? Even though my son was not with me as long as I liked, I think he gave me a gift that is more precious than any gift I have ever gotten, excluding Jesus' salvation, my husband(God's gift too), and my two precious girls(God's gifts also, notice the pattern). Regardless, I think David gave me the gift of growth. I think that God know that I couldn't do the things he needed me to do without the growth season I am encountering. Is it painful? Extremely. But I need to sow the seeds so I can reap the harvest.

Hurt

At times, I still am taken aback by the fact that David died. I often feel that the death of a child happens to other people and that it could have never happened to us and then I am painfully reminded of the fact that it did happen to us. I feel sometimes that I tuck it away as I go about my daily life, that I merely "forget" him. But am I tucking it away or is it the coping mechanism that God gives me so get out of bed everyday? Many people feel that we should just get over it but those same people have never dealt with losing a child. That angers me so much. I get mad that they have forgotten my child when I am reminded regularly that my boy is not with us. And please do not think that I am not thankful for what I have. I am one of the most blessed women you will ever meet, I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful girls. I am able to work part time at a job I absolutely love and feel that it is my ministry. Some mission fields are in far off countries but mine is 5 minutes away. Does it get any better than that? But somehow something is missing. I feel that our family is not complete. We're missing pieces of our puzzle and I can't find them. Is the missing piece another child to add our family( which would be pretty hard since my husband had surgery to ensure that didn't happen) or is the missing piece in my heart? I don't wish that God would change things, I understand now that this was a part of his plan for us no matter how heart breaking. I trust him enough to know that he used David for things far beyond my understanding. I get that. I do understand that words can curse but I still have questions. When will my joy return? When will I laugh again like I used to? When will I be my postive and happy-go-lucky self again? The Lord is so gracious becuase as I am typing these words, He is softly whispering, when you ask for them. So,
Lord,
I want my joy back, I want to laugh, and I want to be the positive person I used to be. I am sick of the enemy stealing these things from me and tonight I am taking them back PERMENTENTLY. I am a broken vessel Lord who needs your repair, please mend me back together again. In Jesus Name, AMEN!

David's Story

Our beautiful son, David, was born on March 31, 2003. Although he was due on June 10th, he was born early due to some complications. After he was born, he survived for nearly an hour. During that hour, the doctors worked so hard to keep him alive. But despite their efforts, he was far to sick to survive. That night I feel that part of me died with David and I'm struggling now to regain the "me" I used to be. As my beautiful girls are ready to move on with their day, I want to leave with saying that even 5 years later, the pain cuts like a knife and I don't think it ever goes away. God is just so gracious that he equips us with tools to help us get through. At first, we survive minute to minute, then day to day, then month to month, and then finally year to year.

Why Blog?

I always wished that I could do more to make "good" of David's Death and I'm hoping this might be the way I do it. I have so much going through my head that I don't know where to begin or how to start. The girl I used to be, or may I say, struggling not to be feels that letting others see what I feel is stupid and that I am not nearly as great of a writer as all of my fellow bloggers. But I feel that I need to do this in fear and leap forward.