Angry and Bitter

Grief is funny. Some days you feel like you're going to be ok and on others you feel like the world is crashing around you. Today it's crashing and I can barely breathe. I get it, I get that God is bigger than me, I get that David's death has a purpose, I get it. But I what I don't get is how to move beyond this place of anger and bitterness. I am an angry woman. I am angry at God. I am angry that this had to happen to me. How do I get rid of this anger? It robs me of being the mother, wife, and woman I want to be. I want to be only loving and Christ-like with my family. I don't like yelling and losing my patience, it reminds me too much of my childhood and my girls deserve far better than that. Yes, one thing has changed, I apologize for losing my temper unlike my parental model but that's not good enough. I do not want to become him, I can't, and I won't. I don't remember being this angry before David's death. Please pray that God takes away my anger and bitterness. I don't want to be angry and bitter. I see the consequences that every time I talk to him. I see the loneliness that is there because of that bitterness and anger. I don't want it. Then I start to think where does this anger and bitterness come from? Is it a place of pride? Is the root of the anger based on prideful feelings? That somehow I should be bypassed from all of the hurt of the world. I am searching, I am not who I should be, where did I go? I didn't start off this way. I was so kind and loving. What happened to me? I swore I would never yell at my children but I do it everyday. I get so angry at them for everything. How does this happen?

On a brighter side, today I am also thankful, I am so thankful for God's Little Princess 1 and God's Little Princess 2. I never ever thought that I could love my children as much as I love my girls. So, how can a mom who loves her girls so much be so harsh?