David's Gift

David Project Update

2010-04-13T18:56:00.000-07:00

Now that Report Cards are done and I no longer have the wonderful flu I had most of last week, I wanted to give you an update.

I wish I could put a drum roll sound here.

The David Project has raised over $300.

HOLY COW!!!

I am so happy that we will be able to donate that many books to kids who are sick in the hospital.

Thank you so much to everyone who donated!!! I can't even express how much I appreciate it!!!!

God Bless you all,
Carly

P.S Check out the song Glory Baby on my playlist. It is truly a beautiful song!

The David Project and David's Story

2010-03-23T20:22:00.000-07:00

Thank you to all who have donated to The David Project. It blesses us more than you will ever, ever know. Thank you for remembering our precious little guy! Just in case some of my facebook friends stop by, I wanted to retell David's story. If no one does, it's new and revised ladies and Chris, so check it out.

David's Story:

How do I explain such a pivotal time in my life? How do I let others know how God is in everything, even in things that bring us our biggest moments of despair? Where do I begin? How do I start? We were so excited when we found out we were to have our first baby. Matt and I had been married for five years and had been dating since high school. Our first date was my senior prom and his junior prom. After Matt’s high school graduation, he went off to Michigan Technological University. For the next four years, Matt and I had a long distance relationship but we made it work. After we got married, our focus became our careers, family, and friends. To our surprise after our fifth anniversary, we found out we were pregnant. When it was time, we found out what we were having and when we heard the ultrasound technician say it was a boy. We were so excited. We couldn't wait to have our little boy, our precious David Alexander. David was named after his grandfathers and we couldn’t wait to see who this little boy would become.

Several months into my pregnancy, I was driving down a two lane road on my way to work. It was the middle of winter and I was honestly surprised (and disappointed) that we had school that day. The roads were so icy so I was being very careful. In addition, I was driving my husband’s car that day, a much smaller car than the one I usually drove. As I was heading south, suddenly a woman coming down her driveway tried to stop at the bottom. As she approached the road and was entering my lane, I felt like I was in slow motion. I could see the fear in her face, even from the distance I was from her. She knew I was going to plow into the side of her minivan, which I was sure had children in it. Not really thinking, I swerved to miss the side of her van and veered into north bound traffic. The road I travel is a main road in our area with cars going constantly northbound and southbound. That morning, when I swerved into oncoming traffic no one was there. I simply veered around the van and went back into my lane. As I continued southbound, I realized what I had done and thanked God that David and I weren’t hurt. I knew that a miracle had just happened and I was spared that morning. I remember thinking…. Little David, you will do great things in your life because God saved you today. Little did I know that maybe God wasn’t saving David that morning, maybe he was saving me.

One night shortly before David died, I was resting in bed when my husband Matt came upstairs. As I was lying there, Matt started singing the song Company Car by Switchfoot to David in my womb. It was awesome because David instantly reacted to it. It was like he was dancing around in my belly cheering his Daddy on. You could see a hand move here and an elbow move there. In retrospect, it would be the only interaction we would have as a family. It was truly an amazing thing to see that interaction between the two most important boys in my life. It is something I will never forget and I treasure that God gave us that moment with our little boy. It was truly a blessing.

Opening Day 2003 was a big day for our family. My husband loves Detroit Tiger Baseball and was taking a half day to go meet some friends down at Comerica Park. I had called my mom that morning and mentioned that David wasn’t moving at all and didn’t move much the day before. She said that often when babies get bigger they don’t move around as much because they don’t have much room. I was over 7 months pregnant and I was definitely big so that made sense to me. But as the day went on, I felt more and more uneasy. David still wasn’t moving, even after eating lots of sugar. Finally at the end of the day I talked with a close friend, Pam Kyle and our custodian, Gail Sorenson. I explained what I was feeling and asked them what I should do since they both had several children each and were no strangers to pregnancy. They had suggested I call my doctor because I seemed so worried. So, I quickly went back to my room and did so.

When I called I was sure that the doctors would reassure me that nothing was wrong and David would wake up and everything would be fine. The weird thing was that on that day the doctor’s office did exactly the opposite of what they normally do, they told me that nothing was probably wrong but just to be sure they would send me to the hospital for a stress test. I got off the phone and broke into tears. I immediately called Matt, who was just leaving Detroit, and told him to meet me at the hospital. Our life was beginning to change forever and we didn’t even know it.

When I arrived at the hospital, I was immediately monitored. Later on, one of my nurses, Lynda Grosjean, told me that from the second she heard the heart beat of the baby on the heart monitor across the hall, she knew something was seriously wrong with the baby. That same woman, my Angel, Nurse Lynda, would be the one to take care of me that entire night. She even stayed past her shift to be with me. I can never thank her enough for her love and care that night. She held my hand and even cried with me. She was truly “Jesus with skin on” that night.

David was born at 9:55 P.M. I don’t remember much of what happened after that. It seems all like a dream. I remember them telling me he was out and not hearing him cry. I heard Dr. Esam Kazem working on him and telling Matt to come over. I remember Matt holding his hand and his tiny fingers being wrapped around Matt’s. I remember Dr. Kazem telling me that they did all they could and that they tried for an hour to save him but couldn’t. At the time, I wasn’t sure what had happened, all I knew is that my son was gone and there was nothing I could do to change it. They asked me if I wanted my son baptized and I said yes. They then brought David close to my face as I was still on the operating table. I remember singing to him one of my favorite songs…. “He came from heaven to earth to show the way, from the earth to the cross my price to pay, from the cross to the grave, from the grave to the sky, Lord I lift your name on high.” At the end of the song, I could barely get the words out. But I wanted my boy to know that I praised God even when my heart was breaking. I wanted him to hear my praises so that when he heard the angels praises he would be right at home and he wouldn’t be scared.

For many, this would be the end of the story but for us it was merely a new beginning. The outpouring of love that came after David’s death was tremendous. Even in the hospital I was treated with such loving care. I will never forget how kind the nurses were to me. They had put a branch of wheat on my door symbolizing that I had lost my baby. Every nurse that walked through my door, LOVED on me. It was unbelievable.
The doctors, especially Dr. Esam Kazem, Dr. Robert Robins(my Obstetrician), and the resident that night, Dr. Robin O’Dell, were so awesome about making sure that physically I was okay and they kept me and Matt informed as information began to unravel about why David died. At first, they had me quarantined because they had no idea what had happened to David, they know what he had but not why. I will never forget how kind Dr. O’Dell was to me. She has made such a huge impact on my life and I will NEVER forget her. She is an awesome doctor and the medical world is lucky to have her. I can never thank all of my doctors enough but Dr. Robins will always be very special to me. I felt like he grieved with us and we will always have a special bond because he was one of the very few people who actually saw David. He knew our son. He saw him. He even touched him. To him, David is real, even if only for a brief time.

The kindness didn’t just end at the hospital. Three or four days later, we left the hospital. That same night we had the worse ice storm in many years. Power was out for days. The next day we had David’s Memorial. It was almost cancelled due to no power and very poor road conditions. Trees were down everywhere and it was very unsafe. But due to the kindness of our pastor, we still had it. I was amazed by the number of people there. It was like we were having church and they were all there to remember our little boy. It was such a huge blessing and like every new mommy I had pictures of my boy to share.

Throughout the next week, we had tons and tons of flowers delivered. So much in fact that the man who delivered flowers for Jacobson’s knew me by name and remembered who I was even several years later. We received tons of cards and I still have every single one today. They fill up David’s entire memory box. One of the most precious things I received, and I received a lot more than I deserved, was a poem from a dear friend, Donna Bowden. It talks about how our lives are like tapestries. How among those bright happy threads of our lives, there will be dark sad threads too. And only when we sit beside God will we see the tapestry of our lives and how truly beautiful it is. I still have the poem and think of it often.

At the time of David’s death, I worked at Webber Elementary as a kindergarten teacher. As a staff, the gifts they gave will last a lifetime. David has a book dedicated in his name in their media center. Every time a child reads his book, he or she will know that there was once a little boy named David Riddle. Also, the staff gave us a memorial tree, a beautiful weeping willow cherry tree. Although none of them knew this, I had been telling Matt for years that I had wanted one. It is truly amazing to me that God had worked through someone to tell me he loved me by giving me a tree that I had wanted but had never told anyone. I then realized that he was grieving with me. Two trees and one house later, we still enjoy that tree every spring as it blossoms and reminds us of our precious boy.

But that was only the beginning of the outpouring of love. In the May of the following year, we were blessed with our precious Emma Grace. I had two baby showers and each had a packed house. At our family baby shower, it took me nearly one hour to open all the presents that we got. We received everything we needed and more for our next baby. Also, Emma’s baby shower was the same day that David’s memorial had been a year earlier. God had redeemed that awful day. Emma was born a healthy blond haired beauty. Dr. Kazem, Nurse Lynda, Dr. O’Dell, and Dr. Robins were all in the delivery room the day I delivered Emma. God had redeemed the last time we were together, David’s birth. I am so blessed that I get to be the woman God lets be that precious girl’s mother. She is a blessing every day. She is truly a joy! She is going to change our world through her caring and loving personality. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for her.

When Emma was three months old, I called my husband at work to tell him to sit down because we were pregnant again. He was very much surprised as he didn’t really want to have any more children. God had heard my cries for another child and answered them. Lillian Faith was born in June of the next year. Lilly is a spit fire. From the second that little girl was born she was bossy. She is determined and head strong and that is what I love most about her. She is meant to be a leader. I am so excited to watch this girl grow into a woman and change the world. But for now, I will enjoy every second of every day until we get there.

I miss David every day. I wish I could be walking him to his Kindergarten classroom this year. But it is equally devastating to me to think that I would have to miss out on Emma and Lilly. There is no way I would have three kids so close together like that, especially if David had survived and had medical or intellectual issues. Several months after David died, Dr. Robins had mentioned that if David had survived he would have been severely mentally and physically impaired. God had spared my son.

Do I like the outcome? Absolutely not. But would I change a thing? No. I would have missed out on so much if it had been different and I can’t bear it. It is well with my soul.
What the world feels is irredeemable, God continues to redeem every day. The parents I had in my class the year David died mean the world to me. I will never forget them. I am still friends with some of them. God redeems. Every spring I am reminded of my son every time I look out my patio door. God redeems. Listening to my girls singing songs as they twirl around my living room. God redeems. Hearing my girls laugh. God redeems. Making dinner as Emma plays teacher. God redeems. Lilly drawing her self portrait with painted fingernails, rosy cheeks, and a big smiley face. God redeems.

I still struggle with David’s death. He would have been six this year. This is a journey. It’s not one that I wanted to be on but one that was chosen for me. I am slowly regaining my joy back. I am learning to laugh again without feeling guilty. I am starting to become who I was before David’s death, but now even better.

Grief is like a wave. Sometimes it hits me without making me skip a beat. But at other times it knocks me right off my feet. And that’s okay, I just have to remember to stand up again and that tomorrow will be a better day.

When asked how I made it through, I said, “First you take life second- to-second, then minute-to-minute, then hour-to-hour, and then day-to-day. Eventually, you go week-to-week, month-to-month, and finally year-to-year.”

My grief never goes away, it is always there lurking right below the surface. God has just given me the tools to deal with my grief differently than before. It’s not any easier, it’s just different.

God redeems. But not in the way we always want him to.

God Bless,
Carly

The David Project

2010-03-21T17:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Family and Friends,
As you all know, David’s birthday, March 31st, is quickly approaching. Believe it or not, our little boy would be seven this year. Since his death, I have always wanted to make “good” of his death and felt it was important to honor David’s memory by helping our community in some way.
I have pondered many ideas and never seemed to come up with one that would not require a huge undertaking or large sums of money. One day, a dear friend suggested I check out a blog of a mother who had lost her son and at that time she was doing something called The Brenham Project in her son’s honor. I loved how she chose to give back by donating items to the hospital where her child was during his time in the NICU. After our precious Emma’s surgery last year, I knew I wanted to do something that involved children of all ages during their stay in the hospital. I then realized that David’s life could touch so many more people. And that was when this idea was born!
I am asking that you participate in The David Project and donate one dollar for a great cause. I would like to buy books for children who are in hospital to help brighten up their stay by knowing someone cares about them and give them something to do. I will be buying the books from a company called Scholastic, which not only offers books for $1.00 but the project will also get bonus points for each dollar spent. That means with your dollar donation, you will be helping get FREE books for the project.
So, please participate in The David Project and donate one dollar to buy a book for a child in the hospital. The pediatric unit at St. Joseph Mercy-Oakland in Bloomfield is so excited to receive the books and the woman I talked to was so honored to be the recipient of such generosity. Every book will have a label inside telling the recipient that the book was donated lovingly in David’s honor by family and friends. You can mail your donations to 1820 Worcester, Oxford, Michigan 48371. Please join us as we honor David’s life by helping others. Thank you!!!

God Bless,
Carly

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day

2009-10-15T17:40:00.001-07:00

Remembering David today and everyday.

More moments of joy...

2009-08-27T05:53:00.000-07:00

God's Little Princess 2 just said something I had to share.

Side Note: My uncle is very sick (please be praying for him) and I am looking for the top ten funniest movies so I can get them for him. God tells us to laugh even in our most depressing times since we, even during those times, have the joy of the Lord within us. Also, they say laughter is the best medicine. Regardless, the girls are watching tv with their cousins while I was surfing the net. They are watching something on the Disney channel.

God Little Princess 2 is watching a program which must have said something about rainbows because she sweetly says "Momma, one day can we go to the end of the rainbow?" She then starts reassuring Cousin 1 and I why this is totally worth our time. Looking back and forth between us she says "Did you know that every rainbow has a leprachaun at the end of it? Too, every leprachaun has a huge pot of gold with him. I know because a leprachaun came to my school and messed up my room and told us that he was at the end of the rainbow if we wanted to find him."

Cousin 1 and I calmly exchanged a smiling glance since we didn't want to start laughing out loud.

I so love my children!!!! They are the best things EVER!!!!!

God Bless and Keep Laughing,
Carly

Moments of Joy continued..

2009-08-18T18:54:00.000-07:00

I have posted random moments of joy before. Well, today I had another one.

God's Little Princess 2 and I were playing restaurant in the play kitchen this morning. As we start to play, she was cutting up play dough(the food) and says, "What would you like to order, ma'am?" I then reply, "I would love some strawberries." and she promptly states, "We don't have that, ma'am." I then think for a second and ask for something else and she repeats that they don't sell it here. I try to come up with something that I think all restaurants would have so I ordered a hamburger and then in her sweetest voice she says "Ma'am, we aren't a McDonald's, we don't sell hamburgers here. How about chicken?"

It took everything I had not to laugh out loud. She wasn't saying it in a sassy voice at all, she was so serious. It was soo cute.

These girls crack my stuff up.

Thank you, Jesus, for reminding me to laugh at what they do.

God Bless,
Carly

Awesomeness

2009-08-02T20:22:00.000-07:00

We are back from our awesome vacation in Port Austin. We rented a cottage on Lake Huron for a week. We went with my mom, niece, and nephew. HOTTIE stayed Saturday and Sunday and went back to work on Monday. He then joined us again Thursday night after softball.

God's Little Princess 1 loved the water. That little one is a fish. We had to pull her out of the water every single day kicking and screaming. She hated getting out but the poor kid burns like an egg on the sidewalk on a hot day. Despite numerous sunscreen reapplication, we could only stay for 3 or 4 hours at a time. She would have stayed all day if we let her.

God's Little Princess 2 is the opposite of her sister. She loves the land. She could play in the sand from day to night. Her favorite thing to do was create sand gardens. She would use her rake to create rows and she would then pretend to plant the seeds and then would water them. I even got a video of her doing it while she was singing. It was the cutest thing. By the end of the week though she was playing in the water with the rest of them.

My favorite quotes of the week:

First quote-
I was singing one of my favorite Addison Road songs acappella in the car. God's little Princess 2 interrupted me and said "Mommy, I wish I could sing...", She then paused for a second and I was thinking that my adorable love was going to say like you mommy but instead she says "like the other girl who sings this song."

Ouch!!! Sorry I'm no Jenny!

Side Note: We love Addison Road. So much that the girls love to look at their blog and see pictures of them as they go on their tour. God's Princess 1 even wanted to sing one of the songs for Uncle Corey's birthday. It was so cute. She practiced all the way home from Port Austin.

Second quote-
One day we went to Caseville to check it out. The girls were in their car seats and we were waiting for Nana to come out of the cabin. God's little Princess 1 looked at me sweetly and asked "Mommy, do I have yellow teeth?" I then replied, "No honey, why would you ask that?" She then replies "Because you do!!!!"

What????????? Wow, God's Little Princess 1 is going to be a dentist when she grows up with all of that concern with her momma's teeth.

Poor Mommy, where's the lovin?

This is how it should have gone:

First qoute- "Momma, you have the most beautiful singing voice ever! When I grow up I want to sing just like you."

Second qoute- "Momma, you sure are beautiful but you gotta kick that pop and coffee habit, it makes your teeth kinda yellow."

Side Note:I promise I do brush my teeth everyday.

This is an extremely long post but I do have to tell you to check out the blog comments from the last post. Julie from one of my favorite blogs left me a comment. I was sooooo excited. She references a project that I did with the kids over vacation. I'll put up pictures later so you can do it with your kiddos. It's very cool. Regardless, two famous people read my blog. Isn't that so cool?????

Also, I wanted to tell mom thank you for also reading. Four readers now, YAHOOOO!!!!!

God Bless,
Carly

In response to reader demand...

2009-07-17T14:02:00.000-07:00

I will change the header to three. Thanks Chris for reading. Three...I'm moving up in the world.

God Bless,
Carly

By the way...

2009-07-15T12:47:00.000-07:00

I'm supposed to be working on my grad project. I totally wrote on Facebook that I was going to get them done early since I have two papers due on Monday.

So much for that one, huh?

Enjoy this wonderfully mild summer day,
Carly

Laura inspired me!

2009-07-15T12:33:00.000-07:00

Laura inspired me to update my blog and since Meeg has me on her list of blogs I totally felt compelled to update it for that reason too.

You all know that one of my favorite blogs is Big Mama's and I was checking out her latest blog entry the other day and skipped over to one of her friend's blog. In her friend's header it stated the name of that blog and below the header it read:

For the tens of readers who follow my blog everyday

Since she's Big Mama's friend, she has a lot to live up to. I'm sure Big Mama gets tons of readers looking at her blog every day. I just thought that was so funny that she was honest and wrote that. So I've been mulling over doing the same thing but with one small exception:

For the two readers who follow my blog everyday

So, Meeg and Rebekah this one's for you!!! Check out the new and improved heading.

God Bless,
Carly

Praise God!!!

2009-04-05T12:02:00.001-07:00

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers! We are home again. Emma and Matt spent the night at the hospital while I stayed with a sick Lilly at home. Today they sent us home. The doctor said that there was a little boy who he saw yesterday with the same of the some symptoms as Emma and the little boy took a serious turn for the worst. The doctor put Emma in the hospital as a precaution. She did get some IV antibiotics today before we left. She seems like a little better, we will watch how the night goes. I'll keep you updated. Thanks again!
Carly

Please Have Everyone You Know Praying!!!!!

2009-04-04T15:48:00.000-07:00

Emma and Lilly are sick again. Emma has seemed much worse than Lilly. I went to the doctor with Emma this morning and she got a shot of antiboiotics this morning. The doctor called this afternnon to see if there was any change, which there really hasn't. Thus, he told us that he wants us to admit her to the hospital.

Please, please pray for Emma and Lilly's health. Please be praying in particular for Emma.

Thanks!
Carly

Happy Birthday, David!

2009-03-31T19:44:00.000-07:00

Dear David,

Oh, how I wish you could have had your birthday "day" today. You would have had a special breakfast of your choice, Mommy would have brought you a special birthday lunch during your lunch time, and then tonight we would have had a special treat after dinner. Tomorrow, since Mommy had grad school tonight, we would have gone out to dinner to celebrate your birthday. You probably would have picked McDonald's, just like your little sisters. While you were there, you might have said, "Mom, just let God's Little Princess 1 and God's Little Princess 2 play on the playset, I'm too big for that stuff now." You and I would chat as the girls played. I would be sure to sit across the table from you since it isn't cool to sit next to your mom in public. Then, we would let you stay up late to watch a movie but not too late since it's a school night. We would eat popcorn and your dad and I would sit on the couch with you. But not snuggling becuase you would tell me that you are too big for that too. I would be sad becuase I would realize that my precious baby boy wasn't my baby anymore. I would think that you were growing up right before my eyes. We would have been so excited because we would have had a birthday weekend coming up this weekend since cousin Gaven's birthday party is on Saturday. So, we would have had your birthday party on Sunday. I bet you would have wanted a Spiderman party. We would have invited a couple of boys from school. It would have been awesome!

But, that isn't what today is. Today instead is a day that is just like any other for most people. The visual reminder that today is a very special day, the day when my little boy was born and lived even if for a short time, is not here.

I am so sad.

I miss you so much. I wish I could remember you more. I wish we would have had more time. I wish I would have documented my pregnancy more so I would have more pieces of you left. But it doesn't matter what I wish!

The truth is cold, hurtful, and smoothering. It takes my breath from me. It leaves me feeling cranky and exhausted. I hate what it has made me into. I am not the same girl I used to be and that makes me angry. I want that girl back.

But with all this being said, Precious David, you are worth the hurt, the pain, and the disappointment. The fact is this time is only a blip on God's screen. One day I will see you again. Although it will be many, many, many years from now, I can wait. The fact is I will have you for eternity. You will always be my first born and you will always be my boy.

I love you so much, David, and I miss you every second of every day.

Happy 6th Birthday, Love!

The world may forget, but your mommy doesn't!

I will love you forever,
Mommy

Fireproof

2009-02-28T22:36:00.000-08:00

Ladies, this movie is amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You so have to watch it. I gotta get up in 6 short hours and will have talk about this more another time.

More to come.....

Please Pray for God's Little Princess 1

2009-02-09T21:07:00.000-08:00

God's Little Princess 1 is having her tonsils and adnoids out this Friday. Please be praying for her. Please claim for her that she will have no complications and that she will come out of the surgery fine. Thank you so much!

God Bless,
Carly

Our Story

2009-02-04T05:45:00.000-08:00

I had to create a autobiographical piece for my grad class. We were told to choose a certain time period of our life and then write about that. It could be three hours, three days, or ten years. It didn't matter as long as we didn't tell the story of our whole life just a part of it.

Naturally, I wrote about our experience with David's life and death. It is so funny becuase I haven't ever loved writing until this class. I didn't think I would be able to write my thoughts and feelings about David down. Actually, I was quite nervous about it. But I loved being able to write about how David was and our story afterwards. So much that it is 6 pages long. I just couldn't stop. I had to say it all. Isn't that awesome how when it's on God's time God really flows?

My goal is to somehow put it here on the blog for all of you to read and for any moms who stumble upon my blog. Yes, the story is about David but it's also about God's grace and that is what a mom who is grieving needs to hear. That even in the darkest days of your life, God is still there. Grieving with you. That there is hope.
So, I'll get HOTTIE on it. He is so good at all things technical.

I can't wait for you to read it. I hope it gives you a better picture of who our David was and how much he impacted our lives and the lives around us.

God Bless and anxiously waiting for 50 degree weather,
Carly

Supergirl Sunday

2009-02-01T18:33:00.000-08:00

Every year Superbowl Sunday marks a special occasion here in our household but not because of football or Superbowl parties but because it's really Supergirl Sunday.

Every year when HOTTIE goes off to his man fest at my brother-in-law's house, the girls and I have our own party. Where we do the things that we want and have our own fun(much like when HOTTIE goes out of town).

This year's festivities included:
-getting a manicure and pedicure from mommy
-getting happy meals from McDonald's
-gettting hot fudge sundaes
-making playdough
-playing Lucky Duck
-watching movies
-and last but not least staying up an hour past our bedtime

This year turned out to an awesome Supergirl Sunday. No housework, no schoolwork, no grad school homework, just me and my girls spending time together and having fun. I can't wait for the many more Supergirl Sundays we have ahead of us. I can only imagine how much fun we'll have when the girls get a little bit older and they actually like to go shopping. But for now, I'll appreciate these Supergirl Sundays when my babies are still babies and they LOVE being around their momma. Can a girl ask for anything more?

Joy moment #4: Supergirl Sunday

God, you are truly awesome in every way and I LOVE that you allow me to make such great traditions to share with my precious loves. I am so excited to see what you have planned for Supergirl Sunday next year.

I hope you ladies enjoyed your Supergirl Sundays too.

Thankful,
Carly

Amazing Part 2

2009-02-01T18:15:00.001-08:00

This is a continuation of the first post so if you didn't see it please check it out.

God is so good!!!!!! Before you read the read of this post, please look in the comments section of the original post. What I am about to say isn't as cool if you don't read it for yourself.

ARE YOU SERIOUS????????????????????????? THE AUTHOR OF THE BOOK ALICA AFTERIMAGE WROTE ME A COMMENT. DUDE, THAT MADE MY DAY, MY WEEK. CAN YOU HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT SUCH A THING COULD HAPPEN TO ME? THAT A REAL LIVE AUTHOR READ SOMETHING THAT I WROTE, AN AUTHOR WHO WROTE SOMETHING SO AMAZING. (I'm writing the above in capital letters because I am astonished at how awesome God is and I'm REALLY, REALLY excited!)

I can't wait to tell the people in my grad class. I can't wait to tell Dr. Walters, my awesome professor by the way. They are going to flip.

HOTTIE had asked if I had written the author back yet and I haven't. I don't want to seem like a total nerd and write something dumb so I'll wait until I'm calm and collected and then write her back. I still can't believe that I, Carly, get to write BACK to the woman who wrote Alica Afterimage. OH MY GOSH!!!

Thank you God for such an amazing opportunity!!!! YOU ROCK!!!!!!

Joy moment #3: Getting a comment from Lulu Delacre.

Thankful for a God who loves me just that much,
Carly

Must KNOW Medical Information

2009-01-27T19:13:00.000-08:00

Three times in one day. Wow, I'm getting to be like MckMamma, in a good way, I promise, in a good way.

Ok, I am going to totally embarrass myself for the greater cause. This next entry is a little graphic, so please don't let your children read this.

I am sacrificing my own honor for all of you. So, please remember this. This out of love for my friends and family.

Today, I experienced something I hope and pray none of you, or either of you since there are only two of you who read this blog, never ever have to experience. I have a... I can't even say it without laughing....hemorrhoid.

Don't ask me how or why because I'm not really sure. I thought really old ladies and pregnant ladies got those. Since I am neither(bummer to the latter), I have no idea how I get to be blessed with this experience. At least if I was pregnant, I could get a cute baby in the end. But no such luck, so for the lucky ladies who have not experienced before mentioned ailment, I have some sage-like advice.

Tip 1:
Don't ignore the pain on your bum.
Why?
My mom said if you don't take care of it right away, you have to go to the doctor's and get it cut off or burned off. WHAT???????????????????????????????????? Are you kidding me????? Who signed me up for this gig?

Tip 2:
Use the medicated wipes.
Why?
According to the nice pharmacist at our local Kroger, after using the restroom toilet paper often irritates the area and can make it bleed(then you have to go to the doctors and we've already discussed why that CAN'T happen). The wipes also have aloe and vitamin e to help it heal(got that one from the package, just trying to help you all out.I gotta keep my readers fully informed of any hemorrhoid information.)

Tip 3:
When asking said pharmacist about hemorrhoid cremes and wipes, act as if it is your husband that has the hemorrhoid, not you!
Why?
To make you feel better about having to ask about hemorrhoid creme in front of others. Also, because Heaven knows dignified ladies who are not pregnant or who are not over 60 DO NOT have to experience painful bums because of hemorrhoids.

Tip 4:
Don't get a hemorrhoid. It totally sucks!
Why?
No explanation needed.

HOTTIE thinks this is quite humorous and suggested maybe we go out and buy some hemorrhoid pillows. Ha, ha, ha.

My mom's response is "You didn't get them when you were pregnant, consider yourself lucky!"

I hope this helps, although I hope you never have to use the information!

I'm so glad God can use me to help others.

God Bless,
Carly

Amazing

2009-01-27T18:57:00.000-08:00

Tonight at grad school, we were discussing a book we have to read during our break. It's a book called Alicia Afterimage. It's a book about a teenager named Alicia who died in a car accident. The book is filled with various accounts from her mom, dad, and friends about her life. It is a true story. Needless to say, it's a hard book for me to read. I have read the first chapter and last chapter, which happen to be the accounts from Alicia's mom, and couldn't get much farther.

As we were talking, I mentioned that the book was particularly hard book for me to read since I lost my son. That's when one of the other ladies mentioned she had lost her son when he was 11. Then, another lady said that she lost her son when he was seven weeks old of SIDS.

Isn't that amazing(not in a good way)? Three people in one class had experienced losing a child. The weird thing is I'm not in a class of 20 ladies, I'm in a class with 7 other people. Wow, how weird is that? God is truly that gracious to bring all three of us together and I can't wait to see what he does with this and what healing will come out of this. This is no mistake! First, the teacher has taught this exact class for 20 years and this is the first time ever she has used Alicia Afterimage as a course text. Secondly, three out of eight people have experienced losing their sons. Lastly, one of the ladies almost had a heart attack when I mentioned David's name. Her son's name was also David. She then asked what my David's middle name was and was stunned when I said Alexander because her son's middle name is Allen(which is my dad's middle name and was almost David's middle name) This is no coincidence, ladies! I am so excited to see what God has in store for me this semester!!! Let the healing continue!!

Moments of Joy - 1 and 2

2009-01-27T06:16:00.000-08:00

I wanted to start documenting my moments of joy.
1. Do you remember me saying that I think I was meant to be a southern lady? Well, I've decided God's little princess 1 was meant to grow up in the Bronx. Everytime you ask her something, she says "shure". It is the cutest thing ever! It makes me chuckle everytime and I think of the Bronx and New York everytime she says it. By the way, I went to New York City before the kids were born and LOVED it! I can't wait to take the girls there one day. I promise I'm not teasing New Yorkers.

2. I made cookies for my Family Book Club at school last night. It was a recipe off the side of the cake mix box. It was the first time I've made cookies with a cake mix. Regardless, the girls and HOTTIE loved them. Well, this morning God's little princess 2 got to have 1 after breakfast. Yah, you heard right, after breakfast. It happens sometimes ladies, it just does. Well, she kept on talking about how she wanted more and I said no(since it's 9:00 A.M.). I closed up the container they are in and walk away. Well, not more than a minute later she has the top off and I remind her that we aren't eating anymore cookies. So then she says "Momma, I'm just smelling them. They smell soooooooo good!" AAWWW! My heart just melts when they say really cute things.

Thank you Jesus for these moments of Joy today! Keep'em coming and open my eyes!

Blessed while waiting to become the woman God wants me to be,
Carly

YAHOOOOO!!!!!!

2009-01-24T06:54:00.000-08:00

God's Little Princess 2 is back in full swing!!! She is now her normal spunky, independent, and head strong self. THANK YOU, JESUS!!!!! Thank you for your prayers.

More to come....

Prayers Needed

2009-01-20T18:18:00.000-08:00

Please be praying for God's Little Princess 2. She is STILL feeling very yucky and hasn't been eating much. We are almost 24 hours vomit free so that is very exciting but she still has really bad diarrhea. Please pray that she gets her energy back and starts to feel better. I'm hoping that tonight's sleep will give her body time to recharge and she'll be herself again. She has totally been laying on the floor or on the couch all the time. She doesn't play. So please be praying for her health.

I know it seems that the flu should be no big deal but every time the girls are sick, it sends me to a place I don't like to dwell. I worry about them so much. You all know what I'm trying to say without having to speak the words. David's death affects everything, it touches everything. I hate it!

Regardless, PRAY for our princess. Also, pray for health and wellness for God's Little Princess 1 too.

Thanks!
God Bless,
Carly

Flu, Report Cards, Skits, OH MY!!!!

2009-01-18T18:34:00.000-08:00

Once again, a quick update when I have other far more important things to do like:

-Nursing poor God's Little Princess 2 back to health. The poor girl caught the flu that is going around. Poor Auntie Linnie had God's Little Princess 2 on her lap at our local Chili's when... surprise... God's Little Princess 2 throw up all over the table. Poor little girl and poor Auntie Linnie. GROSS! The flu bug took over for the evening and I thought we were done but low and behold round 2 came tonight. Pray for our princess. I pray this is over and done with. Also pray for God's Little Princess 1 not to get it.

-My favorite time of year is upon us- REPORT CARDS! So much to do so little time when you have a pukey kid(well expect for blogging since that is SOOOOO important. See where my priorities are.).

-I am going to be in a skit at church this coming Sunday. I am still learning my lines since I am such a procrastinator. Pray that I get them because I have a feeling that this skit could really help some people. It's about our current economic crisis.

Well, it's time to check on my princess again. No throwing up in two hours. YEAH!

Have a great night and praying for a fluless season for you!

Carly

Upcoming Posts

2009-01-01T22:03:00.000-08:00

Check back for posts on the following:
-More goals for 2009
-Recap of 2008
-Ornaments- This year's losses, MIAs, and favorites (I even got pictures for this one. Wow, I'm getting pretty snazzy.)

Have a great night. The Christmas tree is officially done and ready to go in the basement tomorrow morning(as I sleep in by the way). Time for Aurora to go up in it's place. The princesses got a cool interactive Sleeping Beauty Vanity Table for Christmas. Fun, Fun, Fun!

God Bless,
Carly

Christmas Tree Ramblings

2009-01-01T20:41:00.001-08:00

I need a break from my Christmas tree putting away process. So, I decided what I needed was a cup of hot tea and a quick post on my blog. Just the necessities of life ladies, just the necessities. Well, excluding the hour I spent reading blogs before I began putting the Christmas tree away as I had to check on Baby Stellan over at My Charming Kids and the latest ramblings of Big Mamma over at her blog.

Side note- Funny Story. Tonight I was cracking up at the latest entry over at Big Mamma's blog. I love to read her blog. Really I think I was meant to be a southern lady, I just grew up in the wrong state. So, I get my southern fix from Big Mamma. Regardless, she highlighted the best parts of her past year. As previously stated, I was laughing hysterically. So HOTTIE asks, "What are you laughing about over there?". My response is "I'm reading a post from one of my bloggy friends, Big Mamma." HOTTIE then turns around as he's playing Star Wars on his Playstation 3 and says, "Does she know she's your friend?". In which I reply, "No, but she's still my friend." You may not find that funny, but I do.

Back on track, this is supposed to be a quick post. It's all good, even though it's a half an hour later. I digress.

I am reading a great book called Conflict Free Living by Joyce Meyer. I got it from my mother-in-law for my birthday. In all honesty, at first I was kinda perturbed and insulted that she bought the book for me. My flesh instantly says, "Why does she think that you need a book like that? She must think you're a horrible mom and wife." But after God gently and then not so gently(due to my lack of listening) reminded me, that maybe THAT attitude is my whole problem. My pride is getting the best of me(I hope that you're noticing the pattern that God is revealing to me, i.e. my last blog entry).

My pride is the stem of all of this. It is the underlying root of my problems with my confidence. God is revealing to me that my confidence comes from him, not from me. I don't need to be confident in myself, I need to be confident in the fact that God is working through me. That he not only counted every hair on my head but gave me my personality for a reason. That I am fearfully and wonderfully made by him. I am no mistake and my personality isn't a mistake either. I need to be confident in the fact that he is GOD and HE doesn't make mistakes. I am perfect in his eyes. I am the apple of his eye. What the world says about me and to me doesn't matter. HE matters and that's all.

Wow, breathe that in. Isn't that amazing? That God not only thinks that about me but he thinks that about us all.

It's time for my life to change, ladies. I can't let my insecurities be met by others. Who cares if someone thinks I'm a lousy mom(which I totally rebuke by the way)? I don't need their approval anymore. I have to do what GOD wants me to do. I need to be confident in the fact that if I need to change he'll let me know and that he'll help me though.

So as 2008 ends, so does the strife in my life. Strife steals joy and I have had too much of that stolen from me already. 2009 is the time to relax, enjoy my family, and laugh. My new saying for 2009:

Laugh, live, love. OFTEN.

So much for a quick post.

Read Joyce Meyers book, it's a great one. Maybe you are just like me and you have some strife in your life that you didn't know about either.

If you need to laugh, check out Big Mamma's blog. She gives me a daily dose.

God Bless,
Carly

Angry and Bitter

2008-12-12T21:06:00.000-08:00

Grief is funny. Some days you feel like you're going to be ok and on others you feel like the world is crashing around you. Today it's crashing and I can barely breathe. I get it, I get that God is bigger than me, I get that David's death has a purpose, I get it. But I what I don't get is how to move beyond this place of anger and bitterness. I am an angry woman. I am angry at God. I am angry that this had to happen to me. How do I get rid of this anger? It robs me of being the mother, wife, and woman I want to be. I want to be only loving and Christ-like with my family. I don't like yelling and losing my patience, it reminds me too much of my childhood and my girls deserve far better than that. Yes, one thing has changed, I apologize for losing my temper unlike my parental model but that's not good enough. I do not want to become him, I can't, and I won't. I don't remember being this angry before David's death. Please pray that God takes away my anger and bitterness. I don't want to be angry and bitter. I see the consequences that every time I talk to him. I see the loneliness that is there because of that bitterness and anger. I don't want it. Then I start to think where does this anger and bitterness come from? Is it a place of pride? Is the root of the anger based on prideful feelings? That somehow I should be bypassed from all of the hurt of the world. I am searching, I am not who I should be, where did I go? I didn't start off this way. I was so kind and loving. What happened to me? I swore I would never yell at my children but I do it everyday. I get so angry at them for everything. How does this happen?

On a brighter side, today I am also thankful, I am so thankful for God's Little Princess 1 and God's Little Princess 2. I never ever thought that I could love my children as much as I love my girls. So, how can a mom who loves her girls so much be so harsh?

Not Me, Monday!!!!

2008-11-10T19:13:00.001-08:00

It is that time of the week again. I'm really starting to look forward to Mondays. It has to be short and sweet but something is better than nothing. The kudos for this great idea goes to MckMamma over at her blog, My Charming Kids. So here goes...

I did not eat a large quantity of the girls Halloween candy. A mom who is trying to lose weight would never eat chocolate like she was 10 again. No, she wouldn't and neither would I.

I am not procastinating right now. I am not choosing to participate in Not Me, Monday, which very few if anyone ever sees, instead of doing my work for school. What kind of teacher does that, not one that I know.

I am not leaving my home at 11:15 tonight with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law to go to Meijers for a gifts for my princesses and niece. Nothing those girls need could be so important that I would stay up past midnight. I am not also getting there early so I can scoop up those kiddy digital cameras before the sale starts at 12:01 tonight. I am not waiting in line for the next half hour to 45 minutes reading a book. Me, doing something crazy like that, NEVER!!!!

I did not play Settlers during my overnight shift when God's Little Princess 2 was really sick. Since my shift was 3 to 7 in the morning, I did not play Settlers for 4 hours in a row. I also did not play with people from Spain and Barcelona. If I had, I would have thought that was so cool. But since I didn't, it's no big deal.

I did not play 2 games of Settlers tonight instead of doing my school work. I also do not have a score of negative 75. If I was a Settlers Nerd, I would care that my score was that low. But since I'm not, it's all good!

Have a great night!

On a side note, please check out a blog called Bring the Rain. The blogger there is Angie Smith and she is starting something called 7X7 prayers. Parents pray for their kids 7 times a day 7 days a week. I'm hoping to start this soon and would encourage everyone to do the same for your kiddos, even if you are still waiting for your precious bundle of joy. He or she is coming so start bathing that precious love in prayer now.

God Bless and Praying for Kids with Undivided Hearts,
Carly

Not Me Monday!

2008-10-13T17:55:00.000-07:00

It's is officially Not Me Monday! Every Monday I will post the things that I promise I would have NOT done sometime over the last week. This was started by a blogger name MckMamma over at her blog called My Charming Kids. Every week I laugh at all the things women are NOT doing. Please check it out if you need a good laugh. So here goes...

I did not... sleep until 9:30 several mornings last week becuase the girls went to bed so late and didn't wake up until then. Nope, not me, because I being the fabo housewife I am got up at 8:30 anyways and cleaned the house. Yup, that's exactly what I did.

I did not.. let the girls watch more than 1 movie each night while HOTTIE was gone on business. A good mother keeps the routine and knows that watching more than 1 movie a night is not good for her children so I would NEVER do that.

I did not... enjoy watching HGTV, The Food Network, and all of my TV shows while HOTTIE was out of town. A good wife never enjoys the fact that she can watch whatever she wants on T.V. at her husband's expense.

I did not... play Settlers online every night(after the princesses went to bed, naturally) for hours on end while HOTTIE was gone and even stayed up until 2:00 one night. Nope, not me, that would be stupid because I have to go to work the next day. Who cares about an online game? Who cares that I have a negative score despite all that playing? Nope, not me either!

(I saved the best for last)

I did not... under any circumstance take my princesses to McDonald's for dinner. McDonald's isn't good for kids, actually it's full of fat and preservatives! A mommy who's trying to provide organic and healthier food choices for her family would never go there and neither would I. Much less let her kiddos get happy meals with chocolate milk. WHAT???? What kind of mom does that??? Ohhhh, but it gets even worse, that mommy would never, ever get a Big Mac meal and eat every bite. NEVER!!!!!!!! That mommy would never let the same amount of calories that she should be eating over two days be taken up in one meal. Nope, not me either.

I did not... let my princesses play in the playland after eating above mentioned meal. Nope, not me, I know how many disgusting germs linger in those places. What kind of mom does that? NOT ME!

Have a great night!

Carly

YAHOO!!!

2008-10-11T22:17:00.000-07:00

I did it!! I changed my layout all by myself, well with a little bit of help. I was so envious of everyone's super cute blog layouts that I called on the help of some fellow bloggers. My fabo sister-in-law said that the link for the website she and our friend use would be on the bottom of our friend's blog. I first looked on our friend's site but couldn't find it. Then I looked at my sister-in-law's blog and today must have been my lucky day because I found the link. Then, walla, I have a super cute boy like blog layout. Please note that there are blues, blacks, and other boy like colors in honor of my precious boy. Also please note that it took everything in me not to get the even cuter pink girly layouts. There were so many cute ones and since my favorite color is pink I naturally gravitate towards pink. But, I refrained because my boy deserves boy colors and since I live in the world of pink(which I am so blessed to be a part of), the few times I get to use blue I jump on it.

In addition, I have added a playlist to my blog. Wow, when I go public, I come out with pizazz, huh?? The playlist has several songs that I feel describe what I'm feeling right now. Welcome by Shaun Groves is one of my very favorite songs. So, I was very disappointed to only get a small portion of the song but I'll take what I can get. The recording is pretty crappy too but it's all good. It does get the point across. I love how the song talks about how we all fill our hearts with clutter and messes that are still to be discovered. Isn't that so true? We do fill our hearts with all of the crap from our lives and the many attempts we make to find out what is the meaning for it all. Listen to all of the songs, they each have a story.

The last song is the most important though. It's called Taken by Plumb. This is the song we played at David's memorial. The song has a story that goes with it. I'm not sure how many people remember the ice storm of 2003 but for HOTTIE and I it is unforgettable. David passed away on a Monday Night(Opening Day for those Tiger fans out there). I was in the hospital for the next four days or maybe five days. Regardless on Friday, on the way home from the hospital, we were listening to my Plumb CD. We were about 2 minutes from home when Taken started playing. I had heard this song many times but it never phased me until that ride home. 15 seconds or so into the song, I start crying uncontrollably and made HOTTIE drive around good ol'Lakeville for the next ten minutes so I can hear the song another 10 times(which for those of you who know Lakeville know it's like two blocks wide and three blocks across). The song reminded me that no matter how sad or angry we were, David was never too far from our hearts. I loved that and still do. I love knowing that even when the world forgets, I don't. My boy is still my boy. I do have a son but he's in a place I can't physically touch. Regardless, the song ministered to me at a time when I so desperately needed it. Over the next days, months, and year, I listened to the song constantly. So much that, to this day the song won't play. Every song on that CD works, except that song. The amazing thing was that when the song stopped working, I felt that God was telling me that I didn't need the song anymore. That he was going to begin the healing process, and he did. It's been a bumpy road but I've come a long way.

More about the ice storm of 2003 to come. It's getting late and God's Little Princess 1 and God's Little Princess 2 will be up in 6 short hours so I need to go to sleep.

Public

2008-10-10T15:22:00.000-07:00

I think now is the time. It's time to go public. I am now beginning to tell people about my blog. I haven't really said anything about it to anyone but I'm feeling confident enough now to say it's time to go public . I feel different now. I'll talk more about that in a later post. On a side note, I noticed that in some previous entries I typed I've omitted some words. The people pleasing part of me says that everyone will think that I'm dumb and that people will think badly of me because I made a mistake. But you know what, that is the enemy's lies and I'm going to leave my previous entries just as they are. I am not perfect. God made me with these imperfections and he loves me so it doesn't matter what other people think. I'm changing, fellow bloggers, slowly but still changing so I'll take it. I would have never left the entries like that in the past. So out with the old and in with the new. On another side note, I will be participating in Not me Mondays. Please look up a blog called My Charming Kids to find out more information about this. I am totally addicted. Be sure to check it my blog Monday Night. There are many things that I have not, no not me, done this week. HOTTIE was out of town and I had to fend for myself. God's Little Princess 1 and God's Little Princess 2 have had ALOT of fun while their daddy was gone but you will find out all about the things we DID NOT do this week on Monday.

The Find

2008-09-29T16:56:00.000-07:00

Last night I stumbled upon a blog called Now I lay me down to sleep. The following is an excerpt from their home page:

"But there is another aspect of pregnancy and birth. There is an unexpected place in this journey where some families may find themselves. When a baby dies, a world is turned upside down. There is confusion, sadness, fear, and uncertainty that cannot be explained. There is sorrow where there should have been joy. During this time, it might be impossible for families to know what they might need in order to heal in the future.This is the place where the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation gently provides a helping hand and a healing heart. For families overcome by grief and pain, the idea of photographing their baby may not immediately occur to them. Offering gentle and beautiful photography services in a compassionate and sensitive manner is the heart of this organization. The soft, gentle heirloom photographs of these beautiful babies are an important part of the healing process. They allow families to honor and cherish their babies, and share the spirits of their lives."

The photography they provide is breathtaking. I wish I had the opportunity to do this with David. I would love to work with this organization. Please check out the site. It is truly awesome.

Procrastination

2008-08-31T20:14:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here tonight desperately trying to find other things to do, a.k.a watch T.V., read blogs, eat ice cream, in order to not do my school work. With the approach of another school right around the corner, I thought I would take a moment to write in a post before I get too busy. My Pastor's wife suggested I read a book called The Shack. It's a great book especially for those of you who have experienced the loss of someone very close to you. One point the author brought up is that good and evil is based on our schemas and our perspectives. We view things as inherently evil if they have a negative effect on us and good if we benefit from it in some way. I find this very interesting as it shows how selfish we are as humans and how we feel that life is all about us. More interestingly that I'm a selfish person. Joyce Meyer said the other day that lack of self esteem is largely in part to pride. We are so prideful of our own achievements that we never realize how God was always the catalyst for it. It is so interesting to me that what we may see as evil, God sees as good. It is so hard to remember that he sees the whole picture not just things from my point of view. Interesting huh? I better get to work because it's already 11:30 and I have NOTHING done. Welcome back to the grind, Carly!

Crushed By A Wave

2008-08-29T02:37:00.000-07:00

Today at work, we were doing a team building activity. We had to tell the group several different things about ourselves. First, we stated our names and then told our favorite childhood toy, which as a side note is my Cabbage Patch Kid Doll and my Easy Bake Oven. We then stated something someone might not know about us. The thing I shared is that I would like a tattoo. After many gasps of surprise, I shared that I want to get three hearts together. One for each one of my children and then stated that yes I have two girls but I also have a boy who passed away, which for some strange reason made me cry. So here I am in front of 30 odd people and my new principal crying. As I regain my composure, I state that David would be attending kindergarten this fall. I then go on with the rest of my spiel. But, I didn't realize that David's going to Kindergarten this year would that big of a deal. It's funny how grief is like a wave. Sometimes you can handle it and still keep upright but at other times it knocks you off your feet a little. Yesterday was like that and unfortunately I was crushed by the wave in front of 30 people. In addition, several of my very close to me coworkers also have their boys going into Kindergarten this year. I tend to ignore the fact that their boys are really only a few months older than our David but right now it hard to ignore. Part of me is so sad that David won't be getting his cool Spiderman or Cars backpack or his Scooby Doo lunch box. That on that first day, I will be teaching and my job sharing partner will be leaving to participate in one of the biggest days of her life as a mom, the first day of school for her child. Does this make me mad at them? No, absolutely not. Do I not want them to talk about it around me? No and I certainly hope that they wouldn't feel that way either. I am so happy that this big has finally arrived for them but I am still sad that I'm missing this day with David.

(Note: I often randomly switch subjects so please just follow along, it will all come together soon)

It's so funny, the other day HOTTIE(my awesome husband) and I went to a concert to celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary. YAHOO!!! Regardless, we went to see a band called Switchfoot. As I watch the band, I am reminded of a thought I had about David as I was pregnant with him. I wished that David would be a singer in a Christian band and I imagined that my David would look just like the lead singer of the band Switchfoot. It's funny now because the lead singer is blond and David looked just like HOTTIE, like his identical twin to be exact, with dark hair and dark skin. So, every time I see the Switchfoot guy I think of David. On another side note, as they are playing, I'm praying, please don't play Company Car, I can't handle it today, please don't play Company Car. I say this only because I want to share with you an amazing event that occurred while I was pregnant with David. One night I was resting in bed and HOTTIE came upstairs. As I was laying there, HOTTIE started singing Company Car to David in my womb. It was awesome because David instantly reacted to it. It was like he was dancing around in my belly cheering his Daddy on. You could see a hand move here and an elbow move there. In retrospect, it would be the only interaction we would have as a family. It was truly an amazing thing to see that interaction between the two most important boys in my life. It is something I will never forget and I treasure the God gave us that moment with our little boy. It was truly a blessing.

How do these two very separate stories come together? I guess they really don't but it's all good. The fact is I miss my son all the time but little things remind me of how much. I do know that everything works for my good and that the plan God has for me is far better than the one I have for myself. Look at what God has brought me since then, my two beautiful girls. It is equally devastating to think I would have missed out on the opportunity to be their mom if David had survived.

David's Gift Foundation

2008-08-26T20:10:00.000-07:00

As I said before, I would really like to make some "good" of David's life. I have often contemplated creating a foundation in David's honor and have never taken the time to do so since it seems so hard. One thing I would like the foundation to do is to give disposable cameras to local hospitals for grieving families. I only have 5 pictures of my son, which is devastating. Only 1 of them is a good picture of him, a.k.a where you can actually see him rather than a baby covered in a blanket. We never expected to lose David that night so we weren't prepared and never thought to ask someone to bring a camera. Thankfully, my mother-in-law and father-in-law were in a state of mind in which they thought to bring it. I have four pictures from their camera (back in the olden days of non-digital cameras) and a Polaroid picture that a nurse was kind enough to take for us. Grieving parents should have the opportunity to take tons of pictures of their babies because that is all they will ever have. I would like to provide that opportunity for them. Nurses would give the camera to parents or they can take pictures of the baby themselves. All mommies should have the ability to remember what her baby looked like. Please pray that God helps me make this possible.

David's Gift

2008-07-30T20:36:00.000-07:00

Back to the original reason, I wanted to post, why is the blog called David's Gift? Even though my son was not with me as long as I liked, I think he gave me a gift that is more precious than any gift I have ever gotten, excluding Jesus' salvation, my husband(God's gift too), and my two precious girls(God's gifts also, notice the pattern). Regardless, I think David gave me the gift of growth. I think that God know that I couldn't do the things he needed me to do without the growth season I am encountering. Is it painful? Extremely. But I need to sow the seeds so I can reap the harvest.

Hurt

2008-07-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

At times, I still am taken aback by the fact that David died. I often feel that the death of a child happens to other people and that it could have never happened to us and then I am painfully reminded of the fact that it did happen to us. I feel sometimes that I tuck it away as I go about my daily life, that I merely "forget" him. But am I tucking it away or is it the coping mechanism that God gives me so get out of bed everyday? Many people feel that we should just get over it but those same people have never dealt with losing a child. That angers me so much. I get mad that they have forgotten my child when I am reminded regularly that my boy is not with us. And please do not think that I am not thankful for what I have. I am one of the most blessed women you will ever meet, I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful girls. I am able to work part time at a job I absolutely love and feel that it is my ministry. Some mission fields are in far off countries but mine is 5 minutes away. Does it get any better than that? But somehow something is missing. I feel that our family is not complete. We're missing pieces of our puzzle and I can't find them. Is the missing piece another child to add our family( which would be pretty hard since my husband had surgery to ensure that didn't happen) or is the missing piece in my heart? I don't wish that God would change things, I understand now that this was a part of his plan for us no matter how heart breaking. I trust him enough to know that he used David for things far beyond my understanding. I get that. I do understand that words can curse but I still have questions. When will my joy return? When will I laugh again like I used to? When will I be my postive and happy-go-lucky self again? The Lord is so gracious becuase as I am typing these words, He is softly whispering, when you ask for them. So,
Lord,
I want my joy back, I want to laugh, and I want to be the positive person I used to be. I am sick of the enemy stealing these things from me and tonight I am taking them back PERMENTENTLY. I am a broken vessel Lord who needs your repair, please mend me back together again. In Jesus Name, AMEN!

David's Story

2008-07-26T06:25:00.000-07:00

Our beautiful son, David, was born on March 31, 2003. Although he was due on June 10th, he was born early due to some complications. After he was born, he survived for nearly an hour. During that hour, the doctors worked so hard to keep him alive. But despite their efforts, he was far to sick to survive. That night I feel that part of me died with David and I'm struggling now to regain the "me" I used to be. As my beautiful girls are ready to move on with their day, I want to leave with saying that even 5 years later, the pain cuts like a knife and I don't think it ever goes away. God is just so gracious that he equips us with tools to help us get through. At first, we survive minute to minute, then day to day, then month to month, and then finally year to year.

Why Blog?

2008-07-26T06:13:00.000-07:00

I always wished that I could do more to make "good" of David's Death and I'm hoping this might be the way I do it. I have so much going through my head that I don't know where to begin or how to start. The girl I used to be, or may I say, struggling not to be feels that letting others see what I feel is stupid and that I am not nearly as great of a writer as all of my fellow bloggers. But I feel that I need to do this in fear and leap forward.